Motherhood is quite different than I imagined. It’s tiring and fulfilling. It’s snuggles and screams. It’s sleepless nights and long days. It’s lonely and beautiful. And it’s everything you hoped and more. Truth is, motherhood has taught me that life is meant to be lived raw. To give of yourself and sacrifice when you just want to do something other than nurse and be at home. To take the beautiful things and thank Jesus for them and embrace the hard and thank Jesus for them.
These little lives are gifts given to us for only a short time. And right now I’m just thankful for these tiny hands that hold my whole heart and that have brought joy to our whole family. Because I know – though the days are long…the years are short. And I don’t want to miss a thing in either of the sweet gifts in my life.
“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you” – Isaiah 43:2
This verse has resonated with me a great deal recently. I feel like the Lord just kept saying it to me over and over again this past week as my anxiety crept up in the way it usually does. This anxiety is not necessarily due to any one certain thing, but everything–the small and the big. I like to be in control of all aspects of my life, and when I realize I’m not, it can feel so immensely halting. The unknown can feel truly crippling at times. I’ve struggled to give this control over to God for so long. For too long I’ve fought this battle by myself, not letting anyone else take control. Especially not the One who wants to take it all from me. I am only so strong.
And as I let this verse from Isaiah settle in my mind and in my heart, I realized I don’t need to be afraid anymore. I’ve struggled with this burden for as long as I can remember and I don’t want to fight this battle alone. I don’t need to fight this alone. I can keep trying my plan…or I can yield to God. His grace abounds in deepest waters and I feel God’s grace most when He settles the storms inside me. I know He can use these struggles to draw us closer to Him and this includes the anxiety we may feel in life.
Admitting I struggle with anxiety has been such a rough battle in itself. Anxiety at it’s depths is ugly, and I didn’t want to burden others with my struggles. But that’s where I’m learning about community as well. I’m slowly growing a community around myself that encourages me to draw closer to God when I feel weak. He will never abandon me when I’m afraid. He knows my struggles and fears, and He holds me anyway.
Sometimes we can live blindly. We go through our routines, living how we want, completely forgetting the God who gave us another day to live. I’ve been in a season of learning to be intentional with what God is doing, painful or joyful. In those moments of truly seeking Him, we are reminded that He is the one who brings the joy and the comfort, that He is working all things together for our good. I’m thankful that He hears our prayers and is in control of it all.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” – Romans 8:28